Several years ago, the holidays used to create a certain amount of dread for my husband, the poster-child for ADD, and myself, his non-ADD spouse. He used to have a difficult time with social situations.
He'd ruffle a lot of feather by being blunt and saying what was on his mind and had problems regulating his emotions; he would start speaking loud during a "passionate" discussion. Many of my clients actually work with me because of issues in social situations.
I often get calls from the spouses (or life partner) of my ADHD clients who ask me what they can do. I can tell you what worked for me and what seems to work for most successful ADHD couples. Here's what you can do as a non-ADHD spouse to reduce the tension around social situations:
1) recognize that impulsivity and inattentive, as well as poor regulations of emotions often found in ADD, are often part of the problem. I believe that people do the best they can with what they have in their present circumstances. The likelihood is that your spouse wants to improve his or her social skills and doesn't want to embarrass you but may not be able to do it alone because of lack of self-awareness;
2) have a conversation with your spouse before a social event about what are appropriate and inappropriate behavior, giving specific examples of appropriate responses or behaviors;
3) develop a discrete code that helps your spouse become aware when he or she is crossing the line. Most adults with ADHD don't even realise that they're committing a social blunder. My husband asked me to squeeze his arm slightly or to make a specific eye signal when he was saying something that shouldn't be said or if he was being "passionate" and speaking too loud. He would later ask me to help him identify what behavior needed to improve.
4) learn to be less sensitive about what is appropriate and inappropriate - I had a client whose wife used to get embarrassed when her husband joked around with the waitress about paying his bill. So what! I've learned to be less concerned about what others think. I'm not as concerned about impressing the Jones or whoever happens to be there. And when people mentioned something about my husband raising his voice during a conversation, or saying something that was just too honest, I'd tell them "he's very passionate when he talks, isn't he" or "that's my Duane, tells it like he sees it"!
Most importantly, my relationship with my husband is so much more important to me than impressing someone I see once or twice a year or that I'll never see again. So I learned to laugh a lot more and judge a lot less. And after over 23 years of marriage we are still madly in love, so chances are we may be onto something.
What have you done that worked for you?
Visit my blog at http://www.coachlindawalker.com/blog
ADDClasses.com
For many people with Attention Deficit Disorder getting to places on time is a huge challenge. If you are a person with Attention Deficit Disorder who is often late the class Late Again??? by 
Recent Comments