ADD / ADHD Coaching Blog

ADHD - Off The Beaten Path...

I don't think I'd be going out on a limb to say that there are very strong images about children with ADHD.

• An uncontrollable child.
• A child who won't listen.
• A child you can't sit still.
• A child you can't focus...

And just like we have a general image of these children, there are also very general approaches to treatment and what we think is or is not ADHD.

In other words - many people rather quickly jump to label any of the above behaviors as being "ADHD."

Yet, despite the overwhelming research and knowledge that there is so much more to child behavior than "ADHD" - these beliefs and opinions still exist.  They exist despite the understanding that children are children, and that each child develops differently...

And these beliefs still exist despite the fact that there are many medical and psychological conditions that can mimic symptoms of ADHD.

Speaking parent to parent, I would urge you to look beyond the symptoms of ADHD and considering the greater implications of behavior...

What is causing it?

What is making it worse?

And of course, like always...what else could it be?

Rory Stern, PsyD
Watch It, Share It, Live It

ADHD Parenting Tip - Having The Answers Is Never Enough

I just saw a public service announcement that frequently runs on NBC.  Some celebrity makes an emotional pitch about some aspect of life - and they play nice sentimental music in the background.

The grand finale - a cute little jingle and then the words "The More You Know."

This particular announcement came from Law & Order SVU's Mariska Hagitay...  She was talking about self-esteem.

She said things like:

"Use your energy to focus on your strengths."

And...

"Your flaws are what make you unique."

While I couldn't agree more with statements like these - they are often only buzzwords to people who have no context towards using them.  Or maybe that's not it at all...  Maybe it's just that we have heard these cliches one too many times - and have lost faith in words.

Perhaps we all just need one person who believes in us...  Just one person who can make a difference in our lives...

Just one person who will give us whatever we want, be it confidence, self-esteem, or just an empathic ear...

 

The bottom line:

1. We all have the answers inside.
2. But unfortunately, we are too close and personally involved to be able to use them without context.

Rory Stern, PsyD
Watch it, Share It, Live It

ADHD Parenting Tip - We All Just Want To Be Understood

On Tuesday of this week, I shared with you a quote that I came across...  This quote really struck home with me about the work I do with parents of children with ADHD.

The only thing that really frustrated about this quote was that it's author suggested children need more sympathy than instruction.

I would suggest altering that...

Children need more EMPATHY than instruction.

Why the change?  What's the difference?

Sympathy often comes across as feeling sorry for someone - or feeling pity.

Empathy, however, is really about understanding...  It's about making a personal connection with someone.

It's the difference between saying:

• "I feel so sorry for you..."

AND

• "That must be difficult...  I remember..."

Which one sounds better?  Which one makes more of a personal connection?  Which one would you rather hear when you have a terrible day?

I might kick myself for opening this up to debate - but people are all different.  Everyone wants and likes things differently...  At least it works that way with adults.

Children / adolescents / teens - whether they admit it or not, all want to be understood.  They want to know that they are not going through this alone.

They want to know that someone gets it...  That someone actually understands them.

Rory Stern, PsyD
Watch It, Share It, Live It...

ADHD Parenting Tip - You Can NEVER Show Enough Love

Yesterday - I shared a quote with you that I said (and really) think hits the nail on the head, particularly with showing love.

Kids really need love.  You know what?  We all need love - but kids need it just a touch more.  Why?  Because they rely on us (adults, mentors, role models) to show them just how it should be done.

Let's be real for a moment.  We all remember the negative a lot more easily, and readily than we do the positive.  The news highlights the negative.  The media drools at blood, mayhem chaos, and disorder.  And unfortunately, the "inspirational" stories get a 5 second clip and then disappear.

And that's just how our brains work, and how we think.  We remember the negative and we quickly move on past the positive.

I am willing to bet you can remember every single word from your parents' speeches, but you probably spend more time trying to remember the praise.

You can change that...  It can change with you.  Just say it - and it will be!  Make the commitment to change.

Ok - before I get all "holier than thou," let me regroup and just say that we can never give enough or too much love.

Sure, our kids might want us to do it a different way (depending upon their age), but they all soak up our love.  They take in the love like the rays of the sun and remember it is there.

If you want to be inspired...  If you want you your children to be inspired...  You need to go out there and make it happen.  No one is going to do it for you.  At least, not many people will (on a regular, consistent basis).

Rory Stern, PsyD
Watch It, Share It, Live It...

ADHD Wisdom - Searching For Great Quotes

The other day I was searching for some quotes (to include on another project), when I came across one in particular that I found so fitting for my work with parents of children with ADHD.

Children require guidance and sympathy far more than instruction.~Annie Sullivan

I might have chosen "empathy" instead of sympathy, but that's just me...

Nevertheless, these words carry so much weight.  And they are often overlooked, taken for granted, or simply under-emphasized.

What I mean to say - these two values often get less recognition for the true power they have in affecting change and making our children feel better.  Put another way - guidance and sympathy (or empathy) are often times the last measure we take, when it should be the first...  When it should be the very foundation of how we respond to our children.

Thinking about my own life (and childhood) - I knew when I messed up.  Most people told me when I messed up, and I certainly never forget when I made mistakes as a child.

But the one thing I am grateful for, the most grateful for, is that I was around people who:

• Always told me to do my best.
• Supported me no matter what the outcome was.
• Encouraged me to keep going.
• Offered guidance...

The only thing missing - empathy.  Sure, I turned out alright.  But to this day, I always make sure I provide a personal connection with my clients.  I try to connect with people and lend an understanding ear...

Everyone needs somebody...  And to quote my brother - "Not too many people actually (truly) care about anyone other than themselves."

So when you find someone (or you are looking for someone for support) - make sure they will and can give of themselves fully.

Rory Stern, PsyD
Tips, Tools, Strategies, & Support

ADHD and Boosting Brain Power Teleseminar

On Tuesday February 19, 2008 at 9:00 pm EST ADHD Coach Lyn Purpura is offering the free TeleSeminar ADHD and Boosting Brain Power through ADDClasses.com. In this TeleSeminar participants will learn how Multi-modal interventions including Mindfulness, Exercise, Diet and Sleep help children and Adults with ADHD boost brain power. Registered participants can listen to this live Teleseminar for free over the Internet or over the telephone.

Sign up now for this Free ADHD Teleseminar>>>

The Best Coaching Argument Ever

File this under - "Interesting things I learned along the way."

Today it would seem there are coaches for almost every single part of life that exists.

• Life coaches
• Business coaches
• Athletic coaches
• ADHD coaches
• Relationship coaches
• Marketing coaches

Perhaps the best known, and perhaps most fully understood type of coach - would be an athletic coach.  After all - it makes sense.  Every team has a coach.

But, that's just it.  Now there are individual coaches for superstar athletes.  The best athletes work with individual coaches who not only help with their "game," but also serve a role as mentor, leader, and adviser.

I know - "So what's this have to with ADHD?"

Good question - let's get there already.  I myself work with business-development coaches all the time.  I learn from others who have created and developed success long before I ever thought about it.

Working with a coach versus doing it yourself can cost you both time and money.  But working with a coach, can save you time.

This comment was made in reference to a woman who shared her frustration of trying to start a business on her own for the last 5 years.  What she spent on gadgets, gizmos, and products, she said could have been money better spent on a coach who would have saved her time!

It's just something to think about...

We can't get time back.  And while not everyone needs a coach - it's just something to consider when you are struggling, for so long, with a child who has ADHD.

Rory Stern, PsyD
Tips, Tools, Strategies, & Support

PS - Think of a therapist as a coach in this example.  A therapist can save time and trial and error while helping your child develop skills and strategies to better manage her ADHD.

ADHD Information Overload

Wow!!!  I should probably have put a few more exclamation points - but I think you get the idea.  No - I know you get what I am talking about.

There is so much ADHD information all over the web.  Not too long ago I had patients and parents telling me they couldn't find enough information on ADHD.

I went with it, and accepted it as truth...

What a mistake!  I'll say it again - WHAT A MISTAKE!

I have scoured the web and there is an ADD / ADHD information portal at almost every turn.  There is information on ADHD spilling all over the place.  Now I just open my web-browser and I am instantly flooded with information on ADHD.

What you can do to hold back this overload:

1. Know what you are looking for.  Be very specific with what information you are looking for.
2. Once you KNOW what you want, find reputable sources that work for you.  This last part is perhaps the most important.
3. Follow advice of people with a proven track record for making a difference in ADHD.
4. Avoid "yahoos" who have a particular stance.  While they can absolutely offer you information - chances are they are very biased and won't tell you up front.
5. Read books - but ask questions.

I recently read that people seeking advice on ADHD should ONLY follow the advice of published authors, scientists, and researchers.  Apparently this person felt that science was the only way of understanding ADHD.

Don't get me wrong, I value science and research.  After all, my training in psychology is based on the very foundation of science and research.

Yet as a therapist - I also must acknowledge reality and consider the belief systems of my patients.

Rory Stern, PsyD.
Tips, Tools, Strategies, & Support

Adult Attention Deficit Book Suggestions

The ADD Book Club has been running for just about 6 months now. We've discussed some great ADD Books the ADD Book Club too! If you've missed the live calls you can download and listen the recordings of the calls in the ADD Book Club archive.

Here are the books that are in the archives right now:

• Odd One Out
• Fidget to Focus
• Finding Your Focus
• ADD Success Stories

The ADD Book Club is discussing the book ADD and Romance this month.

Here are the upcoming Books:

March - ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life
April - What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don't?
May - The Disorganized Mind

We would love suggestions for other helpful books for Adults with ADHD. If you have a suggestion please comment on this blog post for a chance to win a complimentary 2 month membership to the ADD Book Club!

Tara McGillicuddy

ADDClasses.com Director

ADHD & "The Establishment"

As a parent, therapist, and coach - it astonishes me to know and be a part of two very different worlds when it comes to ADHD.

1. Science / Medicine
2. Society

I was recently having a discussion with some folks who were insistent that medication is the only way to treat symptoms of ADHD.  When I explained that research has shown no long-term benefits to medication - this person lashed out at me to remind me that perhaps being able to focus on the here and now is not a benefit I aware of.

Wow!  What a strong reaction.

I never bothered explaining my position - and quite frankly I was also very taken with his strong opinion for medication.

That said - medication can be and is a very helpful method of treatment.

Yet at the same time, there are risks to relying on medication.  And I am not talking about side-effects.

Instead - I am referring to the fact that many people will just assume that everything is better once their child is taking medication.

Some people think - "The symptoms are gone, the medication must be working."

But what we can overlook is everything else that is going on in our children's lives that make each day just as hard (but without the ADHD).

We cannot overlook or forget that our children are still children, and that ADHD or not, our children will still face difficulties in life (school, bullies, friends, homework, girls, dating, etc...)

Rory Stern, PsyD
Tips, Tools, Strategies, & Support
For Parents Of Children With ADHD